One of the most terrifying experiences of grief for me was feeling like the intense pain would never end. I was engulfed in a dark hole of heartache and could not see my way out. The orderly, structured side of me searched for the steps I needed to complete to feel better. But I quickly learned that there is no playbook, instruction manual, or steps to complete to be healed. Honestly, this was one of the most frustrating parts of grieving. I wanted all these feelings to go away so badly, but there was nothing I could do but just walk through it.
I am sure you have heard of the five stages of grief -denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The late psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler Ross first identified these five stages in her book, On Death and Dying. These stages were stages of dying but, over the years, have been misconstrued as the stages of grief. I know this now. However, I didn’t realize this when I embarked on the journey. I only knew of the “stages of grief” which was deceiving.
One definition of stage is “a point, period, or step in process or development”. At a point or period in time, I think of my daughter when she was three, going through a “stage” of waking me up several times in the middle of the night. This is a stage. Yes, I was sleep-deprived, frustrated, and researching ways to get my daughter to sleep through the night. But I honestly knew this was a phase and it would pass. In intense grief, I didn’t believe the feelings would ever pass. What I am learning is the feelings never pass, they get less intense.
A step in a process typically means you take a step forward toward a goal and not backwards. In grief, you hear a lot about “moving forward,” and yes, I may have been moving forward, and I didn’t feel like it because my emotions were all over the place. I wanted my feelings to be linear. I wanted direction. I wanted the predictability that after bargaining, I would feel depressed. I wanted to go through one stage and move on to the next as if I had graduated from that stage. Grief is cyclical. Grief is not linear. Grief is chaotic.
There are also at least ten times the number of emotions you experience in grief than the six outlined in the stages of grief, and you can experience several emotions at the same time, which can be very overwhelming. I remember early on in grief, learning of a friend’s husband who was healed from cancer and the floodgates opened with happiness, jealousy, anger, and sadness; then, because I couldn’t just be happy for my friend, I felt shame and guilt too. That was a lot! And challenging to process all those emotions at once. No wonder I was exhausted. There were other times when I was just stuck on one emotion that consumed me for weeks. I was usually stuck in anger (that will be another blog post).
With the overwhelming emotions bombarding me minute to minute, I just wanted to escape. I would consider myself an escape artist when it comes to feelings. I master the skill of not feeling by cleaning, exercising, eating, binge-watching TV…you name it. I remember early on in grief, going for a drive and starting out west and debating on what state I was going to drive to as if I could escape with a geographic relocation. However, as I learned years ago from the artist Mary Engelbreit, “Wherever you go, there you are.” There was no escaping grief.
With not having any control over my emotions, feeling like a ball bouncing off all the walls or a punching bag constantly being knocked down, I felt out of control. Out of control is not something a perfectionist like me wants to feel. As a result, I often thought I was grieving wrong. I started reading many books to “learn” how to grieve. What did I learn? There is no right way to grieve. Everything I am feeling is normal. Everyone grieves differently. It is unique for each person.
What I can tell you as I trudge along on this journey is that it does get easier. The intense emotions subside. Early in grief, my therapist said grief is like waves in the ocean. The waves of emotions come in high, powerful, and quick. As some time passes, the space between the waves lengthens, and the forcefulness lessens. Eventually, I saw light in the hole I was in and was able to climb out of it slowly.
Today, I can go to the grocery store and walk past Mark’s favorite ice cream without breaking down in tears. Most days, I can look at a picture of Mark and smile and be grateful for our time together. I always love sharing stories about Mark. I now carry my grief as I “trudge the road to happy destiny”
A side note for those who are supporting a grieving family member or friend: Remember, you cannot fix grief. Someone cannot just “move on.” Grief is a part of them now, and eventually, in their own time, they will learn to move forward with it. Honor your loved ones in their process. Grief is unique for each person.
“Grief isn’t a problem to be solved. It is an experience to be carried” — Meghan Devine, A Journal for Grief
“We think our job is to make grief smaller, but grief does not get smaller; we have to grow around grief” —David Kessler, Sixth Stage of Grief
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