Ringing in the New Year

I remember my first New Year’s Eve about 4 weeks after Mark passed.  My teenagers were out with their friends, and my best friend of 40 years came over with my comfort food -Cheez-its and licorice to watch an 80s movie.  I do not remember the movie, but if I had to guess, either Breakfast Club or Girls Just Want to Have Fun.  I didn’t really expect the holiday to be hard, as Mark and I had never really been big fans of NYE.  But what I have learned about grief is that it never goes along with your expectations. 

The idea of going into a new year without Mark was really difficult.  I felt like I was leaving him in 2019 as I was entering the new year.  I didn’t want to live in a year where he hadn’t lived.  I didn’t want to leave him in the year when he last lived.  I felt like I was betraying him.

And on top of that, NYE is typically a mark in time with hope and renewal – the “next year life will be better” mentality. Before Mark died, I jumped on the “New Year, New Start” bandwagon at the start of each new year.   I always had some plans for self-improvement, whether it was more self-reflection, exercising, etc.  However, ringing in the year 2020, I had no hope.  I had no desire to self-improve.  All I really desired was to have Mark back in my life.

Now, going into 2024, I have hope.  This year was the first year since Mark died that I have set some goals.  I see exciting things happening in the new year -working toward my Pilates teaching certificate and starting this blog.  I thought over the last few years in this process that I lost a part of myself when it came to goal setting and achieving (that is for another blog post).  However, I have seen things get a little easier, and little pieces of the old me are revealed as I learn to carry my grief. 

When talking to a person who is grieving the loss of a loved one, you never want to say, “Get over your grief” or “Move on with your life.”  The new buzzword to say to a grieving person is to “move forward.”  Honestly, none of these alcoholates sat right with me.  They all meant the same to me—leaving your loved one in the past. 

What resonated more with me was learning how to carry my grief.  I will always be grieving Mark.  It is a part of who I am.  It is part of my story to share.  But what I have learned over the years is how to live with grief.  My grief has not changed. But I have grown as a person around my grief.

“Moving on from grief doesn’t mean a static end. It doesn’t mean suddenly we’re done grieving and will never hurt again. Moving on is more about moving forward than being done.  Grief and loss are complex, multifaceted, and multilayered. Loss and our experience of grief are integrated into our lives, not things we get rid of. Grief changes and morphs over time. We get stronger as we carry it, the edges of it round and dull, and with time it begins to take up less space in our lives. It doesn’t simply disappear. Grief can (and will) continue to remind us of our loss throughout our lifetimes, in different ways and at different times.”

Below is the image that I think best explains my grief journey:

The image is based on the article Growing Around Grief: another way of looking at grief and recovery, by Dr. Lois Tonkin from 1996. In the article, Dr. Tonkin tells the story about a mother in one of her workshops whose child died years before, and the sketches the women created to express how her grief progressed over the years.  “The grief and loss never felt smaller, but her life slowly felt bigger.  It grew around her loss. Her grief was always there, as large as ever, and she still spent time within it. As her life had slowly expanded around her loss, she was now able to experience life in the larger part of the circle as well.”

My grief has not gotten smaller. I have grown.  My love for my loved ones here on earth has changed.  My priorities have shifted.  I have become more patient with people. I treasure the time I get to spend with those I love.  I am developing a relationship with God.  I am excited for this new year and to see what God has in store for me as I continue to grow alongside my grief.

“It hurts to lose someone we love. That loss shapes and defines who we are, and it never really goes away.  Instead, we carry it with us as we move forward into the next chapter of our lives, and what helps us heal is what we do with our time after they’ve passed.”